Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
