I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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