now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize