I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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