My liver just broke up with me...
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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