Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
