I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
