I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
not ubering you a puppy
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
