There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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