Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize