Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
