This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
