Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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