i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
