I want to walk on stilts...naked
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
