Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
