You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
