***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
