I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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