When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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