the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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