What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
