He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize