This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Less talking, more tequila
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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