Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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