she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
a search helicopter?!
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
