I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
