he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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