I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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