So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
