Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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