I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
