He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
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