Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
