so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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