I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
