Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
