Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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