Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
