how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
