I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
