Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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