Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
