dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
