why didn't you poke me back
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
