I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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