In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
