from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
