i think my mom watched the whole time
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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