Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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