Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
