I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
