when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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