i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
