I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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