so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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