meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
