remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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