She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
