no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
