I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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