i jhust puked up my retainher.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
