Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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