I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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