he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
