i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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