he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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