True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
