I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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